THE UNEMPLOYMENT CHRONICLES
EPISODE II: What does it take to get a good cup of Coffee?
Back when I had an income my morning routine was to drag
myself out of bed, take a quick shower, dress and go out to breakfast before I
went to work. I would sit at a table reading the morning paper and drinking
coffee while someone else brought me food.
It is a very civilized way to start the day and has a lot to recommend
it. Unfortunately, having no income
requires frugality, so I am determined to fix my own breakfast and eat at home.
I’ve discovered that it is not easy to
get a good cup of coffee this way.
Day 1. The first problem is that I have to fix the coffee before
I can drink it. So I drag myself out of bed, stumble to the kitchen and wonder
what to do next. OK, I have a Mr. Coffee machine. I pour water into the machine and turn it on. It
gives me a pot of hot water. Then I throw the water out and put coffee in the
basket and pour more water into the machine and turn it on. It gives me a pot of incredibly strong
coffee. What did I do wrong now? The directions say “one tablespoon per cup.”
But the coffee scoop is TWO tablespoons so I need to put one scoop per two cups
of water. The people who make coffee scoops should get together with the people
who write the directions on the coffee can and stop confusing us. In my groggy
morning state I am supposed to do math? I give up and eat a bagel with a glass
of milk.
Day 2. Aa new day gives us a new start. This time I get the
measurements correct but the coffee is still awful. I must have a defective Mr.
Coffee maker. I will go buy a new coffeepot.
And while I am out I will stop and have breakfast. After all, it’s not
good to go shopping on an empty stomach. Well, do you have any idea how many coffee
makers are out there? There are drip makers, and percolators, and something
called a “French press.” There is a very pretty contraption that looks like a
set of weights where one side goes down while the other goes up and it makes
coffee somehow. You need more than math to operate this one. You need a degree
in engineering.
And then there are the machines that add steamed milk so you
can make lattes and cappuccinos. These machines are scary looking and have
about 19 removable parts and WAAAY to many options. I know what will happen
with me. I would put the parts on and have one left over and have no idea what
it does or where it goes.
By this time I have done so much research on coffee makers
that I no longer care about it. I don’t want to operate machinery. I don’t want
to make decisions before I get my morning caffeine fix. I just want a cup of
coffee! What am I to do? I go home and try cleaning the Mr. Coffee maker.
Day 3. I make coffee
in my shiny clean coffee maker. It’s
still pretty bad. Maybe it’s the coffee beans and not the coffee maker. I go to
McDonald’s. They have a very good coffee and it’s only $1.00. Then I go look
for different coffee. Holy Moses! If I thought it was difficult to compare
coffee makers, it’s practically impossible to compare coffee beans. There is
shade grown coffee, sun burned coffee, extra virgin coffee, coffee grown in
mountains, coffee grown in rain forests. I am expecting the find hydroponic
coffee next. I cannot deal with all these options. It’s too much.
I am a failure as a woman! I can’t make a decent cup of
coffee. Am I doomed to spend my life drinking my own awful coffee? No! I am a
modern woman with many skills and a college education. What can I do to solve
this situation? I can boil water. If I pour the boiling water into a teapot and
add a tea bag it makes a fine pot of tea.
Day 4. I am sitting
in my sunny dining room, reading the news on my laptop and enjoying my morning
caffeine in the form of orange spice tea in an elegant china cup. I am not a
failure as a woman. I am the Lady of the Manor. Making coffee is for servants.
Mary MacAdam
You finally figured it out.
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