Lunchroom Lady Melva Rikkets works on creating new menus with refined, processed foods in her test kitchen. "It's all about volume to fill the little buggers up and  enough sugar to keep them alert and hyper," she says.

The First Lady has been promoting a program for fighting childhood obesity by providing healthier school lunches. Stagnant reporter Mary MacAdam has investigated the situation at our local schools. She recently caught up with Melva Rikkets, school lunch lady at Franklin Pierce Elementary School, who provided this interview.

MM: What do you think of the program for healthy school lunches? Tell us about your program.

Melva: Sure. I am all in favor of healthy lunches. I think that woman in on the right track. I have been here for 27 years and I have always fixed a good healthy lunch for these kids. If more kids ate a good school lunch they would all be healthier. Why, you should see some of the stuff they bring in from “home lunches.” It’s just scandalous. Cold sandwiches, raw vegetables…RAW I say. Everyone knows that raw vegetables can upset the delicate digestive tract of young kids. They need food that’s been cooked to break down the cellulose fibers so their stomach can digest it.  Now look at my vegetables. I dare you to find a trace of fiber in any of them. I cook them to mush so the kids can digest them.

And it’s safer too. They can just swallow them without chewing. Raw vegetables, now you have to really chew them. And kids have little tiny teeth. A lot of them have missing teeth. So they can’t possibly be chewing the raw vegetables properly and are in danger of choking. And cold sandwiches? Isn’t a nice hot meal better for them?

MM: What is on your menu for school lunch today?

Melva: We have a very nutritious meal. Macaroni and Cheese – kids love that stuff. Applesauce. Peas. Ground meat casserole. Green jello.  A wedge of iceberg lettuce with Thousand Island dressing. Milk – we make it from powdered milk so it’s less expensive AND low fat. Or they can have apple juice instead. And a slice of angel food cake for desert. Unfrosted of course.

MM: It sounds very good. I notice that you have institutional size cans and jars of all this. Are the ingredients fresh and organic? For example, the macaroni and cheese.  Do you use real, actual cheese?

Melva: Of course it’s “real, actual cheese.” What do you think it would be? Virtual, potential cheese? Now, it’s a powdered cheese product that’s true. But what is really better – something made from rancid milk and bacteria and produced in a cave? Or something developed in a clean, sterilized laboratory?

Don’t get me started on this “natural” stuff.  Chemicals are natural. I heard that on tv. Everything in this whole universe is all made out of the same elements. So what difference does it make if you dig the chemical out of the ground or create it yourself in a lab? It’s the same stuff.

MM: Is the macaroni made from whole grain?

Melva: Of course not! You ever eaten whole grain pasta? What makes you think a kid would? My belief is that anything the kid actually swallows is better for him that whatever he throws under the table. And the janitors like it better too.

MM: And what about the ground meat casserole? Do you ever get complaints from vegetarians about serving meat?

Melva: We have no problem with PETA or any other of those crazy animal lovers. We don’t use anything that was raised in little cages or killed inhumanely in packed slaughterhouses. All our meat is 100% pure road kill. We don’t have to worry about whether it was grain fed or grass fed. Who knows what that critter – whatever it was – has been eating? By the time we finish processing it doesn’t matter anyway. No germs survive that process.

And there you have it, straight from the Lunch Lady's mouth. This is Mary MacAdam, for Phrogg Hollow Stagnant News.

Editor's note: If you are concerned about the quality of school lunches in your school district, visit healthy food advocate Jamie Oliver’s website, http://www.jamieoliver.com/us/foundation/jamies-food-revolution/home  to see how you can get involved to improve school lunches. To see Jamie’s efforts in improving lunches for school kids in Huntington, W.Va. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEMbWn6ClxM&feature=related

I (Marcheta) signed the petition, will you?

And how about this video about chicken nuggets, which shows a process in processed food. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ftiITYwJkk&feature=related