Lunchroom Lady Melva Rikkets works on creating new menus with refined, processed foods in her test kitchen. "It's all about volume to fill the little buggers up and  enough sugar to keep them alert and hyper," she says.

The First Lady has been promoting a program for fighting childhood obesity by providing healthier school lunches. Stagnant reporter Mary MacAdam has investigated the situation at our local schools. She recently caught up with Melva Rikkets, school lunch lady at Franklin Pierce Elementary School, who provided this interview.

MM: What do you think of the program for healthy school lunches? Tell us about your program.

Melva: Sure. I am all in favor of healthy lunches. I think that woman in on the right track. I have been here for 27 years and I have always fixed a good healthy lunch for these kids. If more kids ate a good school lunch they would all be healthier. Why, you should see some of the stuff they bring in from “home lunches.” It’s just scandalous. Cold sandwiches, raw vegetables…RAW I say. Everyone knows that raw vegetables can upset the delicate digestive tract of young kids. They need food that’s been cooked to break down the cellulose fibers so their stomach can digest it.  Now look at my vegetables. I dare you to find a trace of fiber in any of them. I cook them to mush so the kids can digest them.

And it’s safer too. They can just swallow them without chewing. Raw vegetables, now you have to really chew them. And kids have little tiny teeth. A lot of them have missing teeth. So they can’t possibly be chewing the raw vegetables properly and are in danger of choking. And cold sandwiches? Isn’t a nice hot meal better for them?

MM: What is on your menu for school lunch today?

Melva: We have a very nutritious meal. Macaroni and Cheese – kids love that stuff. Applesauce. Peas. Ground meat casserole. Green jello.  A wedge of iceberg lettuce with Thousand Island dressing. Milk – we make it from powdered milk so it’s less expensive AND low fat. Or they can have apple juice instead. And a slice of angel food cake for desert. Unfrosted of course.

MM: It sounds very good. I notice that you have institutional size cans and jars of all this. Are the ingredients fresh and organic? For example, the macaroni and cheese.  Do you use real, actual cheese?

Melva: Of course it’s “real, actual cheese.” What do you think it would be? Virtual, potential cheese? Now, it’s a powdered cheese product that’s true. But what is really better – something made from rancid milk and bacteria and produced in a cave? Or something developed in a clean, sterilized laboratory?

Don’t get me started on this “natural” stuff.  Chemicals are natural. I heard that on tv. Everything in this whole universe is all made out of the same elements. So what difference does it make if you dig the chemical out of the ground or create it yourself in a lab? It’s the same stuff.

MM: Is the macaroni made from whole grain?

Melva: Of course not! You ever eaten whole grain pasta? What makes you think a kid would? My belief is that anything the kid actually swallows is better for him that whatever he throws under the table. And the janitors like it better too.

MM: And what about the ground meat casserole? Do you ever get complaints from vegetarians about serving meat?

Melva: We have no problem with PETA or any other of those crazy animal lovers. We don’t use anything that was raised in little cages or killed inhumanely in packed slaughterhouses. All our meat is 100% pure road kill. We don’t have to worry about whether it was grain fed or grass fed. Who knows what that critter – whatever it was – has been eating? By the time we finish processing it doesn’t matter anyway. No germs survive that process.

And there you have it, straight from the Lunch Lady's mouth. This is Mary MacAdam, for Phrogg Hollow Stagnant News.

Editor's note: If you are concerned about the quality of school lunches in your school district, visit healthy food advocate Jamie Oliver’s website, http://www.jamieoliver.com/us/foundation/jamies-food-revolution/home  to see how you can get involved to improve school lunches. To see Jamie’s efforts in improving lunches for school kids in Huntington, W.Va. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEMbWn6ClxM&feature=related

I (Marcheta) signed the petition, will you?

And how about this video about chicken nuggets, which shows a process in processed food. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ftiITYwJkk&feature=related

SNAKE EXTERMINATOR AIDS STRICKEN NEIGHBORHOOD

Marge MacPharland strikes a victory pose after
successfully capturing a poisonous viper.

It’s been a terribly bad winter in Europe. A poor economy combined with brutal cold and unusual   amounts of snow have caused a great deal of stress. In Scotland, owners of exotic pets, especially snakes, are having a difficult time trying to maintain the animals and many are simply abandoning them in the streets and leaving them to fend for themselves.  This causes even more stress for the neighbors because the snakes simply move in next door. After all, they can’t very well go down and rent a room at the local hotel now can they? But how would you like to come home to find your home infested with snakes - anything from pythons to deadly vipers? They could be living in your basement even now and you would never know it until little Fluffy suddenly disappears from her doggie bed.

But an enterprising person will find in adversity a challenge to overcome.  And that is just what Marge MacPharland of Broxburn, West Lothian has done.  The middle age spinster has gone into the business of snake removal and extermination. Marge MacPharland Snake Exterminations opened its doors just last month and has already received over 100 calls to get the monsters out from under the bed.  

“I’m nary the least bit afraid o’ ‘em,” she says. “I onc’t spent a month in the tropics on an archaeological expedition, so I did. Aye, ‘twas Hell, so it was. Hot, humid and full of nasty noisy creatures. Ach! but the snakes were the worst, so they were. I soon found how to deal with ‘em, aye, so I did. I developed methods to keep them oot of me ain tent and oot of me way.” Her methods are environmentally friendly since she uses no chemicals or pesticides



Marge MacPharland captures snakes with her bare

hands during one of her many extermination assignments.

 Armed with only a shovel, flashlight, a net and a shotgun, Ms MacPharland enters the home and searches the attic first. The snakes are searching for a warm spot and usually the higher elevations are the warmest. The snake usually enters the house through the basement, but by the time the homeowner has discovered the infestation the snake (or snakes) is surely in some warm crevice over the furnace.

“Ya might’na even know you have a crack in your foundation,” says Ms. MacPharland. “A wee bit of missing mortar is all those buggers need to slither in and make themselves ta’home.” On the bright side, the snakes will rid the house of mice. But failing to find any more mice, the snakes will come after other food such as dogs, cats, antelope or small children.  Ms. MacPharland advises that you wrap your infant’s crib in cheesecloth to be on the safe side.

She guarantees full satisfaction and gives a No Questions Asked guarantee. Any person who is not satisfied, or fails to pay in full, will have the snakes returned. No extra charge.

Mary MacAdam

HERE ARE LINKS TO THE BASIS OF THIS STORY.

http://petside.co.uk/petsideblog/2012/01/exotic-pets-abandoned-in-scotl.php

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/2012/02/02/sspca-warn-exotic-pet-owners-after-four-turtles-are-abandoned-in-freezing-conditions-86908-23732625/

P.H.S. correspondent B.D. Landon gives voice to lonely royal.

Princess Sheeba shops for a new Dancing Queen

outfit, even though she is often just a wallflower. "I

  my part to keep the economy alive," she lamants. 

Interview with HRM Princess Sheeba

PHS: Good day, Princess, and welcome to our blog. As the last reigning noble of Sheeba should you be addressed as Queen Sheeba or Princess Sheeba?

PS:  Just call me Your Majesty.

PHS:  OK. Your Majesty, tell us what it’s like to be a real princess.

PS:  Lonely.

PHS:  Lonely?

PS:  Yes, it’s lonely at the top.

PHS:  Really. I would have though your life was full of glitz and glitter.

PS:  Well yes. But lonely. I have no friends. People invite me to parties just to brag I am on the guest list. Then I stand around ignored because they think they have nothing to say to someone as important as me. No one ever asks me to dance.

Or they act real friendly to me just to see what they can get out of a friendship with royalty. At a very early age I learned people want favors. You become a cynic by age seven when you are noble.

PHS:  I had no idea.

PHS:  What about your love life? There are rumors that you have a prospective suitor.

PS:  Well yes. I had two wonderful dates, a year apart each but I DID have two dates. Then he dumped me.

PHS:  For another woman?

PS:  Sort of. He dumped me for his wife.

PHS:  NO!!

PS:  Exactly. See what I mean. No one wants a princess.

PHS:  Oh Your Majesty, that was just one person. The public loves you. Why you get mentioned every week in the news!

PS:  Criticized you mean.  They are always complaining about my clothes. Claim I dress like the Queen of Sheeba.  Well I AM the Queen of Sheeba.  How else could I dress? And this past week they claimed I am extravagant when anyone could see that I economize.  I buy economy class plane tickets and sit next to common people who eat the entire bagel instead of only the crispy outer edges. And that statement about me not supporting the local economy? Totally untrue. I do my share. I buy all my shoes at local stores every month. Sometimes more than once a month. I have not bought one pair this year outside the US.

And I also support world economy. Why, my bill for French cosmetics alone will support the European economy for six months.

PHS:  I have to compliment you for those efforts. Now what about handling money? Do you just use charge cards and send the bills to your accountants?

PS:  Heaven’s no. I balance all my checkbooks myself. All five of them. And I download all my charge card statements into Quicken and track my purchases that way. It is totally untrue that I am helpless with figures. Besides Quicken makes adjustments if I do make a mistake.

PHS:  You use Quicken. My goodness, your majesty, you are quite the technological noble.

PS:  Duh, Yes. I HAVE an iPhone after all. I mean how do people communicate without one? AND I read books on my Nook, Kindle, and iPad. I support the publishing industry royally. Even blogs.

PHS:  Thank you, Your Majesty. I hope we can interview you again.

Mary MacAdam faces the harsh reality of her new morning routine

THE UNEMPLOYMENT CHRONICLES

EPISODE II: What does it take to get a good cup of Coffee?

Back when I had an income my morning routine was to drag myself out of bed, take a quick shower, dress and go out to breakfast before I went to work. I would sit at a table reading the morning paper and drinking coffee while someone else brought me food.  It is a very civilized way to start the day and has a lot to recommend it.  Unfortunately, having no income requires frugality, so I am determined to fix my own breakfast and eat at home.  I’ve discovered that it is not easy to get a good cup of coffee this way.

Day 1. The first problem is that I have to fix the coffee before I can drink it. So I drag myself out of bed, stumble to the kitchen and wonder what to do next. OK, I have a Mr. Coffee machine. I pour  water into the machine and turn it on. It gives me a pot of hot water. Then I throw the water out and put coffee in the basket and pour more water into the machine and turn it on.  It gives me a pot of incredibly strong coffee. What did I do wrong now? The directions say “one tablespoon per cup.” But the coffee scoop is TWO tablespoons so I need to put one scoop per two cups of water. The people who make coffee scoops should get together with the people who write the directions on the coffee can and stop confusing us. In my groggy morning state I am supposed to do math? I give up and eat a bagel with a glass of milk.

Day 2. Aa new day gives us a new start. This time I get the measurements correct but the coffee is still awful. I must have a defective Mr. Coffee maker. I will go buy a new coffeepot.  And while I am out I will stop and have breakfast. After all, it’s not good to go shopping on an empty stomach.  Well, do you have any idea how many coffee makers are out there? There are drip makers, and percolators, and something called a “French press.” There is a very pretty contraption that looks like a set of weights where one side goes down while the other goes up and it makes coffee somehow. You need more than math to operate this one. You need a degree in engineering.

And then there are the machines that add steamed milk so you can make lattes and cappuccinos. These machines are scary looking and have about 19 removable parts and WAAAY to many options. I know what will happen with me. I would put the parts on and have one left over and have no idea what it does or where it goes.

By this time I have done so much research on coffee makers that I no longer care about it. I don’t want to operate machinery. I don’t want to make decisions before I get my morning caffeine fix. I just want a cup of coffee! What am I to do? I go home and try cleaning the Mr. Coffee maker.

Day 3.  I make coffee in my shiny clean coffee maker.  It’s still pretty bad. Maybe it’s the coffee beans and not the coffee maker. I go to McDonald’s. They have a very good coffee and it’s only $1.00. Then I go look for different coffee. Holy Moses! If I thought it was difficult to compare coffee makers, it’s practically impossible to compare coffee beans. There is shade grown coffee, sun burned coffee, extra virgin coffee, coffee grown in mountains, coffee grown in rain forests. I am expecting the find hydroponic coffee next. I cannot deal with all these options. It’s too much.

I am a failure as a woman! I can’t make a decent cup of coffee. Am I doomed to spend my life drinking my own awful coffee? No! I am a modern woman with many skills and a college education. What can I do to solve this situation? I can boil water. If I pour the boiling water into a teapot and add a tea bag it makes a fine pot of tea.

Day 4.  I am sitting in my sunny dining room, reading the news on my laptop and enjoying my morning caffeine in the form of orange spice tea in an elegant china cup. I am not a failure as a woman. I am the Lady of the Manor. Making coffee is for servants.

Mary MacAdam

Chagy Von Gestenchu becomes emotional as she searches for the perfect location for the IBS Museum, which was forced to be relocated when the original museum was mysteriously burned to the ground in a suburb of Scranton, Czechoslovakia.  This farm outside of Galion, Ohio was deemed unfit due to changing climate concerns, wind direction and percolation tests.  (Phrogg Hollow photo/Marcheta Gibson)

In Other News....by Tedd Vail

 

Police questioned Chagy Von Gestenchu last night while she was found wandering a farm near Galion with a bag full of Beanie Babies and expired coupons for hair loss products that, by all accounts really don’t work anyway. She had a rather short tape measure and was doing a feasibility study on building a new Irritable Bowel Syndrome Museum on the land. During questioning she became quite agitated and emotional as she spoke of her mission. Apparently the previous location had to be closed due to changing climate concerns, wind direction and percolation tests.

She was wearing barn boots a rain coat and a very nice scarf though the scarf did not match her raincoat it was still a very nice scarf, but then rain coats rarely need to match other clothes in that they really are utilitarian and not so much a fashionable accessory. I have a rain coat myself but chose not to wear it late last night. I can’t remember why but if I had worn it I’m sure I would have not worn that scarf no matter how very nice it was. It simply did not match. Now if I had a sweater …But I regress…digress… or is it digest?

Given the volatility of the situation and the late hour involved it just seemed best to let her continue her surveying. The obvious benefits for the town will be mainly in the abundance of janitorial jobs. All the while talking to the police she had a rapturous look on her face that can only be described as a rapturous look on her face.

The previous location for the IBS museum was mysteriously burned to the ground in a suburb of Scranton, Czechoslovakia. Apparently town folks, in spite of having been given seasons passes and a discount at the “Please, It’s an Emergency” cafe, took it upon themselves to light a match and so they did. No one anticipated the fire. Few do in Scranton when they light matches.  Scranton has no Haz-Mat team so the area has been taped off with that neat yellow tape the police use at crime scenes though it must be pointed out that other than the unfortunate incident with the match there really was no crime.

Ms. Gestenchu did finish her work without further ado and was last seen walking along the edge of the road toward Shelby with a small zip lock bag of dirt she said was needed for a percolation test. Her tape measure would not retract and was dragging along the road behind her. All efforts to help her further were to no ultimate use. Given the urgency of the look on her face this reporter deemed it pure wisdom to get out of her way and stay up wind.

As far as we know at this time there is no video record of these happenings but I will bet we haven’t heard the last of this fascinating lady and her strange quest. She did leave me with a coupon and a promise to be the first reporter on the scene of the ground breaking where ever it might eventually be held. I am holding my breath. The coupon is expired as I said before and though I would have liked one of the Beanie Babies no offer was forth coming and my manners as a gentleman kept me from asking for one more than a few times.  Someone should tell her about that scarf.

I’ll keep you all posted on further developments…If you’re still reading this, you really need a hobby folks…In other news…

Tedd Vail is a school bus driver  and a poet. He has several Cds recorded. He also plays Santa Claus on the side. He is a very nice guy, strong as an ox and almost twice as smart

Mary MacAdam shares the education she received at Retro TV Academy

THE UNEMPLOYMENT CHRONICLES  

  My Daily Life in Unemployment

Episode I:  The lessons of daytime TV shows.

Since my recent emancipation from wage earning slave, I have discovered the joys of having control of my own time and being home in daylight hours. I have also discovered that having no income really puts a crimp in what one is able to do with their time while being home in daylight hours. So I watch a lot of daytime TV – over the antenna, because I can’t afford cable or satellite.

I won’t watch talk shows, soap operas or any “reality” shows since I had enough of hearing people complain and yell at each other while at the job.  Instead I watch old TV shows that were popular when I was a child. It is very interesting to see the shows from the perspective of my older self and a changed cultural climate. The older shows all have a subliminal moral lesson which I never noticed as a young viewer, but now I see how they reflected/formed our views of the world. The overall theme is that men and women have different roles but looking good and getting a good cup of coffee are the most important aspects of life for everyone.

First of all are the old westerns like “Bonanza”, “The Big Valley”, and “Gunsmoke”. These teach us the Great American Dream even though they are all set in brown, dried up deserts. No matter if the ranch is in Nevada, Kansas or Northern California, the landscape is always the same: burned up, dry, brown, dusty and bare rocks. God knows what those cattle ate because everything is in perpetual drought.  But the men are tall, strong and good shots and have built up huge estates through hard work. They were so successful that they could tell the Sheriff “you go take the posse out to the south side and I’ll go north.” The Sheriff does not ask, “Who is in charge here?” No, he meekly answers “OK, Ben.” The only sheriff who does not obey the rich rancher is Marshall Dillon on “Gunsmoke”. But that might be because he IS the big man in town and he makes his own coffee.

Anyway, men are able to run a 5,000 acre ranch by spending their time in bars playing poker and drinking.  They then go off to defend the town by riding around on horses and shooting bank robbers and other bad people. Then they go back to get a drink, play more poker and worry about how the cattle are going to survive the drought. The lesson we learn is that Crime Does Not Pay. No matter how sympathetic the villain, the bad guy always gets jail, hanging or shot and killed before he can come to trial. Usually, shot and killed because shoot-outs are exciting and trials are boring. Perry Mason would not have survived in the Wild West.

Women in the Old West all have hair that stays in place no matter what they are doing, although I suppose it helps that what they are usually doing is making coffee. Neither wind nor dust will shake one strand of hair out of place. Look at beautiful Audra Barkley, the daughter of the family in “The Big Valley”. She gets a mail sack pulled over her head and her hair doesn’t get messed up. She gets pushed down a hill and gets covered in dust and dirt but her perfect curls are all in place.  My hair can’t stay in place while walking from the bathroom to the kitchen. And women did not hide their perfect hair under a big hat to keep their hair in place or the sun off their skin. No, if they did wear a hat it was a tiny little thing that sat atop their perfectly coifed hair and served no purpose other than to match their dresses. The lesson is that women are beautiful and make good coffee.

Next on the afternoon TV schedule come the police shows – “Kojak” and “The Rockford Files”. The world has changed a lot by this time. No more burned up, drought stricken wide open spaces. Now it is burned up, drought stricken urban decay, congested cities, with smog and heat and car chases and drug addicts. The police fight the bad guys and are never too overworked to spend four days on a single case, but the major difference from the westerns is that the bad guys will sometimes win. The lesson here is that armed vigilante ranchers keep better order than police because they are not hampered by the court system.

The women in police shows still have perfect hair but are no longer occupied with making coffee. They are either drug addicted hookers, gangster molls, grieving widows or murder victims. Sometimes all of the above.  I think the lesson here is that women should wear tiny hats and make coffee and stay out of congested cities or they will have a miserable life and come to a bad end.

The afternoon lineup of TV re-runs conclues with sit-coms: “ Mary Tyler Moore” and “Dick Van Dyke”.  In this world there are no good guys or bad guys. Everyone is lovable and entertaining. Women have come into their own – they hold jobs and have sex. Men are not too smart and can’t shoot or do much of anything. But they are still a sought after prize. Even though women are now the main characters, their overriding aim of life is to get married. And being an attractive woman is more important than any job. The lesson is: if you don’t get a husband, you can settle for a career as long as you dress well and get a manicure every week.  And make good coffee but you don’t need to wear a tiny little hat.

Because I don’t have a husband, I got a manicure and will go practice my coffee making skills.

Mary MacAdam broke free of corporate chains in December, 2011 to fire up her freelance career. Originally from Crestline and currently residing in Milwaukee, she holds a journalism degree from Marquette University.   Follow her journey at http://thephrogghollowstagnant.blogspot.com